Nickelodeon, Wherefore Art Thou?

I realize that I've rated my own blog to be G, and under normal pretenses, that'd be true. However, right now I'm so ticked that occasionally, and by that I mean frequently, a fantastic slew of curse words will fly out of my mouth that some will find offensive, graphic, and just plain unnecessary. Having said that, I'd like to point out that you are in no way obligated to read this, therefore if you find yourself reading this, it is under no way through my influence, so if you try to yell at me for using such graphic language I'll come at you with a barrage of legal jargon leaving you feeling weak, slow, and retarded. You are completely free to shut this off at any point, but just in case you're a parent whose child has just dropped the F-bomb in front of you, I'd first like to ask, "Why the bloody fuck aren't there child-protection-blocky things on you computer?" and finish it off with a gratifying kick to the balls when I call your kid a retard for uttering such language in front of you, therefore implying that he enjoys being beaten and gets it up for S&M. You have been warned.

I'd like to start this rant off by calling all the Nickelodeon producers errant cocksuckers, as what was once a nice network directed at a generally younger audience starring a bunch of teenagers with nothing else left to do in their lives has become a drastically dirty network filling its space with shows that are not only completely following a Dan Schneider formula, but also subtly glorifying sex, cell phones, staying up late, and generally being a complete dick to all of your friends and family. It also manages to not only enhance some general stereotypes about people and the television network, but creates entirely new stereotypes.

For example, the entire line up of every single show on Nickelodeon currently is made of nobody but rich people who can somehow afford everything their greedy fucking hands can get hold of. Which makes me wonder just where that money is coming from, because it seems to me that if they can just somehow masturbate wealth, the United States economy would crash around my great fucking ass. Not to mention that every single person seems to be white, aside from the completely stereotypical black manager portrayed in Drake & Josh, and the one black kid attending boarding school in Zoey 101 who apparently can't even manage to hold a normal conversation without dicking it up with completely stupid antics.

I used to be a follower of Nickelodeon, ever since I watched it as a kid, but the entire line-up has changed from cutesy kids stuff like a character made up of popsicle sticks to complete fucktards and douche-fags who do nothing but anal rape each other with formulaic jokes. And for the moronic population of America, which would be the majority of you, that means that while before each Nickelodeon show had its own formula and freshness, now if you've watched one, you've seen them all. Literally.

While I realize exaggeration is what makes television entertaining, there is a point where exaggeration becomes so stupid that the only people who would even possibly believe anything like that could happen are drug addicts high on LSD, lacking air to the brain because they spend too much time choking on their own bodily fumes and dildoes. Nickelodeon has taken the situational comedy and stretched it beyond the scope of believability and to the point where you basically spend half the show wondering what the fuck you'd do if something like that actually happened.

At some point in 2007, Nickelodeon producers decided to turn every single one of their characters into either a huge bitch or a whiny dickhead. The character Zoey, at one point the smartest, wittiest, and nicest character on the show, has suddenly become a giant whore, leading one person on from across seas and somehow managing never to mention him again after the first episode of the new season, as well as becoming a grudge-holding bitch who will stop at nothing to get back at said offender. They enhanced the stereotype of the cool guy with Drake, who has the mystic power of making any girl he wants to make out with him. Which only leads little boys to the fantasy that if they play the guitar they can get girls. I have lived through life to know that if you even try and make out with a girl that you haven't even seen before, the only thing you'll procure is a swift and invading testicular removal operation right on the spot.

Which brings me to the point on the effect its having on my little brother and sister. My eight-year-old brother is starting to think that all black people talk in a higher register and enjoy white rockers, or decide that dumping ten gallons of mustard on somebody is funny. My sister thinks that you can just make out with anyone and not suffer consequences. I find this very disturbing.

When we get to the point that the next generation becomes nothing but idealistic hookers and pimps with ideas that nobody wanted instilled in anyone, I'm going to be lording it over you all laughing and saying, "I fucking called it."